We want our children to respect us. We actually insist on it. Does that mean they respect us? Just because we insist on respect or provide consequences for not respecting us, do they? Not always. Does that frustrate and annoy us? Of course. What is really the underlying issue here? Is it because they are teenagers? Is it a right of passage? All kids go through it? I don’t think so.
Children are constantly watching other people. Adults and other children are their models for behavior. I remember doing that as a child. I got ideas for what to say and how to say it from other people – young and old.
So where do our children learn respect or disrespect? I came upon an epiphany this past holiday season with my family.
My family of origin was dysfunctional. Such a trite word. Overused really. What does it mean? It means my parents didn't have tools for coping with life. It means I didn't learn as a child skills I needed for maintaining successful happy relationship. Here's the rub, my parents couldn't teach us something they didn't know.
What are the life skills I am talking about? Here are a few
Managing and maintaining successful relationships
Treating people respectfully
Conflict resolution
Taking personal responsibility for the condition of my life
Good friends come along so rarely, you must protect the relationship
Treating people fairly
Honoring commitments
Rules for fair fighting (that list is really good)
Honoring other peoples boundaries
Setting my own boundaries
I can go on but this list gives you an idea for what I am talking about.
Brief family history.
My father disrespected my Mother. He called her incredibly unkind disrespectful names in front of the children. He hit her repeatedly. That wasn't respectful. By his actions, he taught his children it was ok to disrespect their Mother. The children learned to not respect each other.
What about conflict resolution? I watched my parents fight get physical. I saw the police come and take him away. He was gone for 6 months then would come back. I never saw my parents resolve the issue from 6 months prior. We all pretended it never happened. We moved on until the next big blow up and next repeat fight when the police were once again called. This went on for 18 long years.
What about the children? The children fought with each other. The children disrespected each other. The children didn't learn how to resolve conflicts with each other. Really, where do children learn to resolve conflicts? From their parents and from each other.
What did I learn about respect and conflict resolution? I learned it was ok to yell and hit people. I learned to pretend the bad things didn't happen. I learned that boundaries didn't exist and I didn't have to honor them. I learned to run away from relationships.
So, what did I do? I found people that had successful lives, successful relationships and had life skills. I became willing to learn from them. Other people "raised me" and gave me the life skills my parents were unable to teach me. It took a long time and many mistakes but I learned. I am actually still learning. It is a process. I am 48 years old. I started the process in my 20s.
Here's a thought. I don't know Greek. I can't teach you Greek even if you beg and plead. I don't know it. You can't teach something you don't know. Why didn't my parents have life skills to teach us? My grandparents didn't teach them either. Do we want to dive into a blame game over whose fault it is that the children weren't taught life skills? And it will likely generate hurt feelings and start a fight. Is it really important to lay blame at someone's feet over why you don't have life skills? Will that get you anywhere? You will still be left with unsuccessful relationships, anger, and hurt?
Additionally, commiserating with other people that don't have life skills won't get you very far. It will keep you stuck in your stuff and your story. It will keep the story going. It will keep you in victim mode. And you will still be alone with failed relationships.
Was my family unique in this? Not at all. There are many people that don't have a life skill tool kit.
Ok, so now what? I found people that knew how to speak Greek. I learned to speak Greek. In the beginning, I didn't speak very well and made lots of mistakes. It takes lots of practice. It is an ongoing work in process.
It took me many years before I began to respect my Mother. Over the past few years, I started building respect for her. I really struggled and sometimes still struggle with that. I carried a disrespect attitude towards my Mother for years. I had to overcome the embedded belief from my Father that she didn't deserve respect.
So whom are we raising? Are we raising our children? Or are we raising adults? I believe we are raising adults. The time they spend in our homes is very short compared to the length of their lives.
Children don't magically wake up one day as adults knowing to make a cake? Don't we need to teach them? We need to teach them to measure, stir and pour. We need to teach them safety with knives and heat. They either learn by observation or instruction. It takes a lot of practice. What happens if we don't teach them? We handicap them. They will watch what we do and repeat it. They will learn from others.
In learning Greek, the first things I learned were Rules for Fair Fighting and Conflict Resolution.
http://happylists.wordpress.com/2008/08/01/37-rules-to-fighting-fair/
The only thing I noticed missing from the list was "respect". Many of the items reflect a respectful attitude. But the author didn't specifically list respect. I think a respectful attitude towards the person with whom you have a conflict is critical.
There is a lot of meat in that list. It took me many years to learn to practice these elements. I still drop the ball. Isn't that interesting? None of us are perfect. The important piece is that we constantly move forward. Take responsibility for our mess in the sand box and allow others to take responsibility for theirs.
Back to respect and our children. If our children watch other people disrespect us, will they carry a respectful attitude towards us? No. They will treat us the way we watch others treat us.
The holidays are so interesting. We spend time with our families of origin. We take our children around our families of origin. Sometimes we have a good time. Sometimes it is a mess.
Doesn't our stuff come up over the holidays? Do we ever have issues with our families of origin over the holidays? Many of us do.
Our children are watching the entire time. They are learning. What if they observe their Aunts, Uncles, and Grandparents disrespect us. Do they learn this is an ok way to speak to their parents? Do they decide, "If my Uncle can talk to my Mom that way and the rest of the family says nothing, gee, it's ok for me to talk to her that way."
It is NEVER ok to disrespect a parent to their child or in front of the children. I teaches the children to disrespect the parent. Additionally, it puts the child in a position of feeling they need to defend or protect their parents. It forces them to choose. If I disrespect my sister in front of or too her children, I will loose. They will defend her. They will always take the parents side. AND, it's disrespectful to the child to put them in that position. It's just not ok. It's never ok.
That is why the list says, "keep it private". It is actually disrespectful to confront anybody in front of an audience.
I was at a restaurant one day giving my order. It was MY turn. The Manager came up, interrupted my order to confront the cashier, in front of me about an issue they needed to do differently! The Manager's tone was harsh and disrespectful. The clerk was embarrassed and said nothing. I was speechless. First, it was my turn! The issue was an issue that could have waited 5 minutes until the woman was finished serving me.
What would have been a better more respectful choice for the manager? Wait until my turn was complete. Pull the clerk aside for a private conversation. Tell her quietly with a respectful tone about the issue and ask her to make other choices next time. Unfortunately, that didn't happen.
I was really annoyed with the disrespect from the manager that I went to the office and told the Director about the issue including what I thought would have been better choices for the manager's confrontation. The Director apologized and said he would take care of it. I don't know the end of the story but I trust the Director took care of it.
So what prompted my creating this blog? I am in the process of writing a book. It is a book about my son and his disabilities. Everything I do is about my children. In the interest of your time, I will start a new article to talk about the holidays!
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